My story could not possibly be told without first knowing a little about me. I could not adequately tell my story as well as my own Son. My only spawned man-child, Mark, animator, writer, ladies man, and the envy of the free, industrialized world, has seen fit to write for me, nay for all of you, the story of my humble beginnings. I post it here, and not in my profile, as this sites program only allows 1200 characters maximum. I could not bring myself to butcher such artistry as follows here in order to make it fit such silly paramaters. Enjoy.......
In the beginning, there was nothing. . .then it exploded, but before it did, a man was born. This man, birthed from the mighty womb of the universe, made only of light, sound, and a tickling sensation at the bottom of his feet, looked out at the darkness and said to himself "This will not do," and so set forth on a journey of self exploration and creation, or would have, if not for that exploding tid bit.
This man, was named Gary Hopkins Underhill II (the universe was the first).
Several billion years later Gary settled himself down on a humble little planet he dubbed "Earth" (as this is the name he saw to be fitting). On this planet he birthed four children, and took another under his wing (as this is what he saw fit to do). Mark, the balls, was by far his favourite child, and to him he gave his good looks (sparing none for himself, as he no longer needed them), and his talent. Having parted with these gifts (as he saw fit to do), he set forth on a new mission, a mission of ass kicking, of love making, of pure, unrelenting, awe inspiring, midget tossing, misadventure the likes of which the world had never seen (and the universe will not see again for another seventy-three thousand years, on a distant planet yet undiscovered which will likely be named Slorbidorf). He lives out this mission this very instant, in a distant place. Some people may ask him, "What makes you think you have the right?"
The answer, my friends (though few who ask live to hear it), "Because I, am the balls."
It is said you cannot look upon the face of Gary, but only upon his feet. You ever see that Indiana Jones movie where they open the Ark of the Covenant and that dude's face melts off? You know what was in that Ark? Now you do.